Beyond the practical purpose of transferring assets and reducing taxes, an estate plan reflects love, responsibility, and values. That emotional heaviness may be part of why many families avoid the subject. Pew Research reports that only about 3 in 10 US adults have created a basic estate plan (a will and a living will or advance directive), and most do not have these documents until their 70s.
Pew also found that, while most parents age 65 and older have talked to their adult children about end-of-life preferences, a large percentage still have not.
- Thirty-two percent have not discussed medical decision-making.
- Thirty-four percent have not discussed what to do with belongings.
- Fifty-six percent have not discussed future living arrangements.
- Only 20 percent have made burial or funeral plans.
Parents over age 75 are more likely to have had these discussions, but the overall numbers remain low.
The hesitation is not limited to documents; it extends to conversations as well. Financial advisory firm Edward Jones found that more than one-third of Americans do not plan to discuss wealth transfers. Although it is important that “the talk” happen before “the transfer,” only 27 percent of adults with children have discussed generational wealth.
A separate 2025 study found that death and estate planning ranked among the most uncomfortable family topics, trailing only sex and relationships, and on par with life regrets and mental health.
Notably, people think about death far more often than they talk about it: Nearly one in five say they think about their own mortality daily, yet only 17 percent have thought about who will inherit their possessions. Nearly half say that they do not feel that asking about their inheritance is appropriate.
When people articulate reasons for avoiding planning, the reasons are often mundane:
- Unnecessary: They think planning is unnecessary because they do not have enough assets or anyone to leave them to.
- Procrastination: They have put off planning and just have not gotten around to it.
- Lack of knowledge: They have not created a plan because they do not know where to start and are often intimidated by initiating the planning process.
- Cost: They avoid planning because they think it is too expensive and do not fully understand its value.
Surveys show the same themes year after year.
How to Have “the Talk”: Estate Planning Conversation Starters
Procrastination often masks deeper worries: fear of death or losing independence, privacy concerns, or the sense that an estate plan must be perfect.
A practical estate planning attorney may strive to meet people where they are and start small. Psychologists agree that breaking big tasks into smaller pieces helps people break their decision paralysis and move from avoidance to action.
Here is one approach to begin the conversation with aging parents about their estate plan.
Choose the Right Moment
Estate planning conversations do not usually belong at holiday dinners, large family gatherings, or moments already charged with emotion. Those settings are fertile ground for miscommunication, defensiveness, or someone feeling ambushed.
Choose a calm, private time, such as an unhurried afternoon, a coffee together, or a quiet walk. The more relaxed the environment, the more naturally the topic can unfold instead of feeling forced.
Ask Open-Ended Questions
Approach the topic with curiosity instead of conclusions. Instead of saying, “You need a will,” you might try the following:
- “Have you thought about how you would want things handled if you got sick?”
- “What matters most to you as you think about the future?”
- “Are there things you would want us to know, just in case something happens to you?”
Open-ended questions go beyond mere information gathering. They give your parent room to express preferences, fears, or assumptions and reduce the sense that you are pushing an agenda that benefits only yourself.
Explain the Benefits Without Pressure
Most aging parents understand on some level that estate planning matters. What they may not fully appreciate is the relief it can bring them and their loved ones. Try to frame the conversation around the following benefits (rather than obligations):
- thoughtfully transitioning their legacy
- ensuring that their wishes are honored
- reducing stress and potential sibling conflict
- avoiding court delays, guardianship issues, and other legal complications
By dialing down the pressure and reframing estate planning topics, you can avoid unnecessarily scaring them or imposing burdens on them. You are helping them understand that planning is in their best interests and for the good of the family.
Offer to Help (Not Take Over)
Some parents worry that discussing estate planning means surrendering independence or inviting their children into private financial matters. You can ease that concern by positioning yourself as a facilitator instead of a manager.
Try language such as the following:
- “I’m here to support whatever you decide.”
- “If you want, I can help you organize your important documents or schedule an appointment, but everything is ultimately your call.”
- “We can move at your pace.”
Reassure parents that they maintain full agency. You are simply helping them get from intention to action.
Keeping the Conversation Going
“The talk” needs to be an ongoing, evolving dialogue. A parent who resists today may revisit the topic next month, next year, or after something changes.
You can respect boundaries while keeping the door open. However, the estate planning window does not stay open forever. The time to plan is before a crisis hits. When the need for an estate plan arises, it is often too late to start one.
Here are some ways to gently keep the conversation alive.
Respect Their Boundaries (but Leave Room for Later)
People tend to double down when pressed. If your parents shut the conversation down, pushing harder can often backfire.
Acknowledge their feelings and signal openness: “We do not have to talk about it now. We can start the conversation whenever you are ready.” Simply giving someone permission to step away can lower the emotional temperature enough for them to return to the topic later.
Start Small with a Low-Stakes Topic
Estate planning can feel overwhelming when framed as one big, heavy decision. Breaking the topic into smaller, more manageable pieces can make it less intimidating and help them see planning as a series of simple routine tasks instead of a single life-altering occurrence.
Healthcare wishes are one of the easiest and most familiar entry points for many people. Asking about the basics, such as preferred doctors, hospital choice, emergency contacts, or who should make medical decisions if they cannot, can naturally lead to broader discussions about powers of attorney, living wills, and other planning documents.
Use Relevant Life Events or News as Gentle Openers
Parents may become more receptive to planning after something—a friend’s or relative’s illness, a sudden hospitalization, or a celebrity estate story in the news—brings the issue closer to home.
Simply asking, “Did you see what happened with . . . ?” can put the topic in context and make it feel less personal and less threatening, creating space for productive conversation.
Introduce a Trusted Third Party When the Time Is Right
Some aging parents open up more easily to a neutral professional than to their own children. A family attorney, financial advisor, accountant, or faith leader can provide perspective without the emotional complexity and years of baggage that can cloud parent-child conversations.
You might say, “If you would rather talk to someone outside the family, I can help set up a meeting” or “Would it help to get a neutral opinion?” These prompts can help keep you in a supportive role without making your parent(s) feel judged or pressured.
When Talk Turns to Action: Practical Estate Planning Steps to Take Next
Once you see the seeds you planted with your parents grow into full-fledged estate planning arrangements, you can initiate follow-up actions that keep their plan accessible, actionable, and up to date.
Store Estate Planning Documents in the Right Places
A complete plan is helpful only if it can be found. Ensure that you and your parents know where their original documents (wills, trusts, powers of attorney, healthcare directives) are located and encourage them to store copies in a secure but accessible place.
Build in multiple redundancies to ensure access. A fireproof safe along with cloud storage provides at least two points of access. Storing documents with their attorney, if offered as an option, is a third. Wherever documents are stored, there must be no questions about where to find them and who has access. The goal is to avoid scavenger hunts during a crisis.
Understand Who Has Authority
Estate planning documents should designate people to make decisions if your parents cannot. It is important to understand who these individuals are and what their roles entail.
Such roles include financial agents under a power of attorney, healthcare proxies, successor trustees, and personal representatives named in a will. If you or a sibling has been named, clarity now can prevent confusion later. If someone outside the family has been appointed, it is equally important to understand how to reach them.
Review Key Financial and Legal Contacts
Encourage your parents to create (or update) a list of the following important types of professionals and institutions connected to their plan:
- their estate planning attorney
- a financial advisor or wealth manager
- insurance agents
- a certified public accountant or tax preparer
- bank and investment account contacts
- pension or retirement plan administrators
A simple one-page contact sheet can save time and stress in an emergency and prevent important information from disappearing into old files or forgotten inboxes.
Encourage Periodic Updates
The bulk of the work is done when a plan is created. But estate planning is not a one-and-done task.
Life changes, laws change, relationships evolve, and assets shift. Encourage your parents to review their documents every few years or after major milestones such as a marriage, a divorce, a birth, a death, a move, or a significant financial change. Even small updates such as changing beneficiaries or replacing an outdated healthcare agent can have a major impact on how smoothly the plan works.
Less Talk, More Action
They have watched you grow up. Now it is your turn to help them age confidently, gracefully, and purposefully.
An estate plan does not come together in a day. It is the culmination of a lifetime and can affect many lives, which is all the more reason to turn thoughts into plans and plans into action.
Whether you need a conversation starter or somebody to seal the deal, we are here to help you and your parents.
Call Santaella Legal Group, serving all of California, at (925) 831-4840, or reach out to us here.